I’m Tired

“All my life I’ve been sick and tired. Now I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” — Fanny Lou Hamer

I’m so tired.

This Friday finds me so very tired.

I’ve been feeling tired for quite some time.

It’s not a physical weariness anymore.  It’s lethargy.  It’s soul fatigue.

I am tired of reading (over and over and over again) about police officers acquitted of murdering people in cold blood.

I’m tired of seeing video footage — footage that so obviously depicts manslaughter — be ignored.

I am tired of so-called “agents of the peace” who seemingly do everything in their power not to keep it.  I’m tired of police officers who bask in impunity for wrongdoing.

I am tired of abuses of power.

I am tired of reading about the slaying of another innocent black body by guilty hands.

I am tired of reading about the slaying of another innocent black body by guilty hands again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again and again…

I’m tired of seeing killers and rapists get off scot-free.

I’m tired of reading well-written responses to events that should not warrant a response since they should never have happened.

I’m tired of seeing families in press conferences thrust into the painful position of defending and explaining and justifying why their loved one had an inherent right to life.

I’m tired of respectful, peaceful law abiding people of colour not receiving the deference or respect or benefit of the doubt that is so easily and willingly proferred to those of a lighter hue.

I’m tired of living in a world where once you near the end of the race, they move the finish line or raise the bar.

I am tired of Islamophobia.  I am tired of hatred.  I am tired of fear.

I am tired of the assumptions made about larger bodies.

I’m tired of the moralization of food, and the moralization of fat bodies.

I’m tired of being judged against standards that never had me in mind when they were created.

I am tired of unsolicited advice.

I’m tired of microaggressions.

I am tired of Eurocentric standards of beauty.

I’m tired of PCOS and Hashimoto’s disease.

I’m tired of Donald Trump and his entire administration.

I’m tired of racism and sexism.

I’m tired of White supremacy, White tears, White fragility and White guilt.

I’m tired of people being okay with using blackface.

I’m tired of debt.

I’m tired of being single.

I’m tired of adult boys who refuse to be men.

I’m tired of men who are too easily intimidated.

I’m tired of men who do not know what they want.

I’m tired of confused men.

I’m tired of men who manipulate and play games.

I’m tired of men who not only want to “f*ck you, but also want to f*ck with you” (to quote my very articulate brother).

I’m tired of dick pics and ghosting and stealthing and negging and all other dangerous/unfair/criminal 21^st century, Millennial dating practices.

I’m tired of toxic masculinity.

I’m tired of being asked if I have a boyfriend yet.

I am tired of reading about other people’s marriages and pregnancies.

I’m tired of constantly trying but never getting anywhere.

I’m tired of not seeing the fruits of my labours or any results from my efforts.

I’m tired of being patient.  I’m tired of waiting.

I am tired of praying.

I’m tired of God.  I’m tired of groping for Him.  I’m tired of seeing nothing.  I’m tired of wondering where He is.  I’m tired of unanswered prayers.  I’m tired of waiting for Him.  I’m tired of His silence.

I am tired of a God who is everything but a present help in time of trouble.  And sometimes, I’m tired of belonging to a tone-deaf and unrealistic church (writ large).

I’m tired of human-meted judgement.

I’m tired of the daily grind.

I’m tired of the rain (literally and figuratively).

I’m tired of living in a cold country.

I am tired of platitudes and niceties and trite sayings and clichés.

I’m tired of small talk and surface-level interactions and fake people.

I’m tired of facades and veneers and pretenses and pretenders.

I’m tired of people who lack empathy.

I’m tired of people in general.

I am just plain tired.

I am tired

I am tired.

I am so damn tired.

I am so very, very tired.

But I’m okay.  Tonight, I’ll bathe and I’ll read and I’ll curl up in my bed and I’ll sleep.  I’ll enter into my Sabbath rest.  I’ll wake up eventually and, God willing, I’ll continue to wake up every morning after tomorrow.  I’ll keep going, keep pushing, keep grinding, keep trying, albeit with stifled spirits and my characteristic zeal somewhat dampened and dulled — a little less energy, a little less enthusiasm and a little less pep.

Why?

…Because I’m tired.

Wake me up when Jesus comes.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” — Matt 11:28

Featured Image Photo Credit: Heavy.com