“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

“Figuring out what the public wants, or even what the public is: that’s the job of pollsters and publicists and advertisers. All those people study the marketplace. But the creative artist can change the world. A true writer opens people’s ears and eyes, not merely playing to the public, but changing minds and lives. This is sacred work.” – Allegra Goodman

“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” – Sheryl Sandberg

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” – Jack Canfield

“Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.” – Keith Sweat

I am convinced that blogging is an act of bravery and writing is an exercise in slaying fear.

Every time I write a new blog post, I have to swallow back my self-doubt and tame the lion of vicious self-criticism.

I ask myself, “What are you afraid of?”  I think writing a blog is scary for me because there is so much at stake — especially since my ideas are being shared and perhaps will be shared more broadly than I had imagined (hoped?).  I tell myself that fear is correlated with the potential for success (or failure…).  The fact that I’m so afraid and I’m sensing so much doubt and push-back is an indication that I need to push forward because this blog might be bigger than my wildest dreams….

…or not.

But even if it isn’t, it is a good exercise in working past fear.

I’d like to think that I’m a self-confident young woman who unabashedly shares her truth and talents with the world.  I’d like to think that I’m strong and smart and that I have something to say.  I’d like to think that sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.

But the truth of the matter is that blogging is a struggle.  I struggle each time I post a blog.  I so desperately want to portray the above façade.  But before I click “post” there are things that I can’t help but think about.  I am accosted by the following questions – questions that I am almost ashamed to admit that I struggle with:

• What if I run out of things to blog about?
• Will anyone read what I post?
• What will people think of me?
• Am I overthinking this?
• Am I an egotist?  Am I basking in self-importance?

These are the fears I have about blogging.   They are now written here for the world to see.  I write them in the aim of disempowering my distress.  I also thought it may be helpful to you and others to see my fears written out and see how I have (and continue) to conquer these fears so that you can be inspired and encouraged to conquer these shared fears if they keep you from doing more and stepping out and achieving your dream.

By and large, I’ve learned how to overcome these fears by thinking rationally and focusing on my goals and the task at hand.  I douse the fire of fear with reason, faith and passion.  I look fear in the face and trample upon it because my passion and drive exceed my trepidation.

What follows is a rather long explanation on how I counteract each fear and answer each question.

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What if I run out of things to blog about?

“If you write, good ideas must come welling up into you so that you have something to write. If good ideas do not come at once, or for a long time, do not be troubled at all. Wait for them. Put down little ideas no matter how insignificant they are. But do not feel, any more, guilty about idleness and solitude.” – Brenda Ureland

This was a very real fear of mine.  I’m a writer at heart, but one thing that kept me from writing was the ever-looming question, “What do I write about?”  I didn’t feel like I knew enough about anything or was an expert in any subject to write anything worth reading – to write anything that I would read let alone someone else would read.  I hesitated to start a blog because I thought that I only had so much to say about racism or fat feminism or faith.

Now, I can honestly say that I have not run out of things to write.  Far from it.  I have a backlog of stuff in my drafts folder, and it seems like every night, before I go to bed, I am paid a visit by the inspiration fairy who bestows fodder for yet another post.  I surround myself with ideas (books, TV, people) and I am constantly ruminating and pondering the great mysteries of the universe and my life, so in turn I benefit from a constant stream of events and ideas on which to comment.

Will anyone read what I post?

“Close the door. Write with no one looking over your shoulder. Don’t try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say. It’s the one and only thing you have to offer.”  – Barbara Kingsolver

One thing (Person?) I like to write about is Jesus.  I don’t know why…  But I feel like nobody wants to hear about Jesus anymore.  Many people are so turned off by religion or anything remotely religious that I often thought that I wouldn’t attract much of an audience, especially among my peers and professional colleagues.  I’m always posting something religious on Facebook; I thought that people would probably be tired of hearing me talk about Jesus (if they aren’t already).  I totally imagined people seeing yet another Jesus-y post in their Facebook or Twitter newsfeed and then glossing over it and scrolling past it.  I imagined that by now people have probably hidden my posts from their timeline or newsfeed.  I thought that maybe having issues of faith, law and activism together on the same blog might be a bad move.  Maybe the lawyer who finds something that I wrote about obesity and wrongful dismissal would in turn dismiss my whole blog because I talk about stuff like Jesus and race.  I wondered if I was doing damage to my personal brand.  I wondered what I wanted my personal brand to be. I wondered if I even had a personal brand.

So I worried about the possible futility of my writing.  Would people read my posts?  Would people get over their initial aversion to race and religious issues and click to explore more?  What’s the use writing if no one reads what you have written?

I remind myself that my goal is to write.  Period.  If what I write is read, that’s an added bonus.  But if not, that’s OK too.  I write for writing’s sake and I derive a deep seated joy, pleasure and fulfillment from seeing my thoughts written out, from seeing the creative configurations of words on the page, from the interplay between syntax, vocabulary, and literary devices laid bare before me.

In order to not have my ego bruised, I set my expectations very low so that if more than one person clicked, I’d avoid disappointment and be pleasantly surprised.  I decided that I would be okay if no one ever visited my site; at the very least I would have a place for my thoughts – a place to re-read my words and make them look pretty.  I trust and trusted God to lead the right people to my posts – both the curious and the skeptical.  I let God handle the publicity.  Jesus is my publicist.

So far He has done His job well and exceeded my expectations.  People do read what I post, and much more people visit than I would have ever imagined.  I’m always amazed and flattered when I hang out with friends and they mention one of my blog posts (although they never commented on the post or left a trail to say that they had visited).  I’ve reached people from around the world – from Canada to Finland to Jamaica to Brazil to the Philippines, from prison and the office, lawyers and non-professionals alike.  It never ceases to amaze me the people who I’ve been able to reach.

What will people think of me?

Each time I click “post,” I wonder if this will be the post that goes viral, the post that gets me on Oprah, the post that gets me fired, the post that gets me promoted, the post that launches the next best opportunity, the post that gets me disfellowshipped…  I think: What if someone disagrees with me?  What if someone misunderstands or misconstrues what I have written? What if they take my words out of context?  I may not have the chance to defend or explain myself.  What if I am labelled as an apostate?  Will they think that I am bored or that I have nothing better to do with my time?  Will they judge me?  Suppose I decide to run for political office one day and people unearth my blog posts from years prior?

People may end up thinking that I’m racist, or bigoted, or unintelligent, or overly critical.  They may think that I’m fat or that I’m trying to make excuses for myself and plus-sized people.  They may denigrate me.  They may try to humiliate me.  They may think I’m a heretic.  They may put me on a pedestal.  They may think that I’m some kind of perfect, unerring Christian.  They may think that I think that I’m some kind of perfect, unerring Christian.  They may think that I’m trying to be some kind of moral arbiter.  They may think that I’m wrong.  They may think that I hate men…

And then I thought to myself that to protect myself I could just lock myself in my apartment all day and not engage with the outside world.  But then people could still think the very same things of me.

I have learned that there are things within my control and out of my control, and that it is important to know the difference.  The truth is, I don’t have control over the thoughts of others or what they think of me (as much as I admit that I kind of would like to).  I don’t have control over how my posts are read.  I don’t have control over individual interpretations.

I can keep to myself, be reserved and not engage in small talk, and people may think, “She’s so introverted,” while others are thinking, “She’s so stuck up.  She thinks she’s all that.  She thinks she’s too good to talk to people.”

I can, on the contrary, be outgoing, smile, and say a big ol’ “hello” to everyone who crosses my path.  People can think “She’s so friendly and happy.”  But people still can think, “She’s so fake.  She has a gap in her teeth.  She’s too happy.  She gets on my nerves.  She needs to go away.  She has too much energy.”

I can commit an innocuous act…  I can just sit still and not do anything and people might still find cause to be hurt, upset or offended.  People will still find fault.  People will always find fault.  People will still talk.  Really.  That’s the world in which we live.

You can’t win.

Haters gon’ hate.

Take Serena Williams for example.  She is a powerhouse of strength, sexiness, grace and athleticism.  She is one of the fittest people on earth.  And yet people still say she has the body of man….  You can’t win.

Be fat and people will harrass you.  Be fit (not necessarily to be contrasted with being fat, because you can be both fat and fit) and people will accost you.  You can’t win.

Do nothing and people will talk about you.  Do something and people will talk about you.  You might as well do something, do something well, and do something worth talking about.

If they are going to talk anyway, you might as well live your life and do your own thing.

“If, as Aristotle supposedly posited, the only way to avoid criticism is to say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing, well, then that’s certainly an option. And sometimes a very alluring option. Be nothing, do nothing, say nothing, watch more television, buy more stuff.” — Sarah Bessey

What matters are the opinions and criticisms of those who love me and know me personally – not criticisms from random people and not criticisms from people who have no life, who didn’t get laid last night and who find pleasure in poking holes in the arguments of others, whose criticisms usually consist of ramblings and tangential diatribes.  We call those people Internet trolls.  They don’t know me.  They obviously don’t care to.  Thus I don’t care very much about their opinions.

People aren’t thinking of me as much as I think they are thinking of me.  People aren’t thinking as much about me and my thoughts as much as I am thinking about what they are (might? could? maybe?) thinking.  At the very least, they aren’t thinking of me as much as they are thinking about themselves, according to Dale Carnegie, in his bestselling book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.  So I tell myself, “People aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are.  Get over yourself.”

Besides, how does and why does what people think of me matter?  From promotion to demotion and disfellowship, “What can man do to me?” (Psalm 56:4, 11, Psalm 118:6, Heb. 13:6).  At the end of the day and my life, I am accountable to God alone.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t care whether or not people like me.  I’m ashamed to admit that I do care…a little.  Most people do want to be well-liked.  But I’m working on caring less, and I’m getting pretty close.  The goal of my life is not to be liked; the goal of my life is to make manifest the glory of God.  Life is not a popularity contest but it is a dress rehearsal for heaven.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. — Marianne Williamson

I’ve come to realize that the mark of success is if you are hated by at least a few.  I’d be wary of someone who has a 100% popularity rating.  It probably entails a pandering to people.  It implies that the person has no real stance or does not take a stand, since taking a stand is often divisive.  Oprah is a nice person, but she still has enemies.  I know that anyone who has ever done anything for this world or had a message worth sharing has always been the object of scorn and derision – Socrates, Jesus, Ghandi, Martin Luther King.  I find myself in good company if I’m hated or disliked.

People may think I’m too much of a rabble rouser or a gadfly.  But they called Socrates that, and hundreds of years later we still read and study his writings.  It is said that well-behaved women seldom make history.  So I’ll continue to rouse the rabble and prick the conscience of others, much like Socrates.

Sometimes I wonder, “If I write a post that people find or conclude to be tone deaf or off key or just plain wrong, would they ever come back to visit?  Or would they write me off?”  I hope that they would extend grace to me, but does it matter?  Those who want to read will continue to read.  No one finds a writer worth reading if the writer constantly caters to every crowd, care and concern.

I’ve decided that as long as I write authentically, honestly, and speak my truth steeped in humility, doused in compassion and basked in kindness, people may not like me and think all manner of things about me, but at least I would have maintained my integrity and I would be true to myself.  I’ll be okay.  I’ll be right with myself and right with God.

I’ve decided that as long as I write authentically, honestly, and speak my truth steeped in humility, doused in compassion and basked in kindness, people may not like me and think all manner of things about me, but at least I would have maintained my integrity and I would be true to myself.  I’ll be okay.  I’ll be right with myself and right with God.

I’ve also noticed that those people who have an extreme reaction to a post usually react from place of personal insecurity.  Something may not necessarily be wrong with the post – something may actually be wrong with them.  They may be forecasting their insecurity on me.  Often reactions to posts are not so much about me, but more so about them and issues that they have yet to come to terms with or resolve.

Another fear: Suppose I provoke everyone’s ire and stoke envious fire?  Suppose someone uses my post to do voodoo on me and curse me?  Then, I remind myself that “Who Jah bless no man curse.” No weapon formed against me shall prosper.  I am a child of God.  I don’t believe in those things so they have no power over me.  I mean suppose that it is the will of God that I be abducted by aliens?  That still doesn’t mean I shouldn’t blog.

“What if they plagiarize my work?” I worry.  Although imitation is flattery, sooner or later plagiarism is found out. Unintentional plagiarism is bad enough, but intentional plagiarism has the potential to ruin your career or legacy.  When you lie about your work, you have to continue to lie about your work. And, unless you continue to plagiarize, you have to have enough talent after the fact so that your initial act of plagiarism isn’t blatant.  You have to have enough talent/gift in the first place so people don’t notice your plagiarism – not everyone can do this though. On that note, I welcome the usage of excerpts of my writing as long as proper attribution is given (i.e. my full name is cited, a live, working link to the original post is posted, etc.).  I like to know where and how my work is being cited, so please do let me know if you choose to use anything you find here.

Will this be the post that gets me unfollowed, unfriended, deleted or blocked?  Maybe.  Maybe not. But why should I care?  I can’t take all of that personally.  The right people will follow me.  The wrong people will unfollow me.  Who cares what people think?

Suppose people get mad at me?  Suppose people get mad at me for writing about them? Well, they should have behaved better:

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

And suppose people aren’t thinking any of these things at all?   Then I wasted so much time worrying about the possible things that people may think.  That’s a waste of time and I don’t have time to waste.

…In fact, I think I’ve shown quite well that fear and the fear of the thoughts of others is often irrational…

Tara Mohr, author of Playing Big: Find Your Voice, Your Mission, Your Message, writes about unhooking oneself from praise and criticism, something that women often have trouble doing:

I can relate to what Sarah Bessey wrote on her blog:

This is just part of life, isn’t it? Accusations against us never end, we never outgrow them. In a way, the stronger we become, the louder our accusers become. But here’s the other side not too many people will tell you: the accolades also pile up. And neither one of those things are especially good for my soul, not on a steady diet.

Someone told me that I’m disgustingly prideful. They talked and wrote about my hubris, my vanity, my self-importance and self-promotion. Someone else told me that my hallmark is my humility and self-deprecation.

Someone called me an uppity woman, like it was the 19th century all over again. Other people tell me I’m too nice, that I avoid conflict, that I should get better at arguing and confronting, and at taking a stand.

Someone thinks I’m a terrible feminist because I don’t tick the proper boxes in their political opinion notebook. I’m just palatable to the pablum-craving masses, that’s all. And someone else thinks I’m a terrible follower of Jesus. Oh, yes, don’t forget the heresy: I’m an apostate. I clearly don’t place any value on Scripture. I’m weak and easily deceived with a disdain for the Word.

I can’t listen to the ones who think I’m evil – or the ones who think I’m perfect. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle anyway.

I can’t find my identity or my voice or my worth solely in the words and opinions of others. Those opinions are fickle and changeable when they aren’t rooted in hard-fought and long-standing relationships.

I mean, I’m open to criticism from the ones who’ve earned a right to speak into my life, absolutely either through their own earned influence or through relationship. And trust me: those trusted ones hold my feet to the fire sometimes. (But make no mistake: to me, there’s a difference between someone who speaks from an earned place of love and trust and influence into your life, and the drive-by critics with an ax to grind against you and no investment in the outcome beyond hearing their own voice.) And I’m deeply appreciative of the folks who receive life and wholeness and goodness from anything I would ever write or say – it is an honour I don’t take lightly, not for one single moment.

Am I overthinking this?

Maybe.  Probably.  But maybe not.  But why does it matter?  It’s your blog (this is me talking to myself).  You can overthink if you want to.   That’s what your blog is for.  We need a world filled with people who at least think, let alone overthink.  And thinking deeply is not the same as overthinking.  If anything, you are “over-doubting” yourself.

“I’m a blogger: by vocation, an over-sharer, a navel-gazer, an over-thinker with access to a medium. And yet there are vast swaths of my life that never make it to the public eye.

And the parts that do show up here or in a book or even on Instagram often only show up after I’ve wrestled the power away from them and I’m ready for my narrative to emerge for Everywhere. I heard Nadia Bolz-Weber call it “writing out of a scar, instead of a wound.”  — Sarah Bessey

Am I an egotist and basking in self-importance?

I sometimes wonder if people think that I am trying to self-promote or if I am so taken with my own self-importance that I feel that other people will want to know what I think about certain issues…that I think I’m so wonderful and witty that people are just dying to read what I have written.

Blogging does involve a certain degree of self-importance – of believing that you are important and that your ideas and opinions matter and ought to be shared.  And I don’t think that this is wrong.  We all have to have a certain degree of self-importance and confidence if we are to accomplish anything.  After all, we are all important.  Our thoughts and ideas do matter.

It’s why we raise our hand in class – because we believe that we have an idea to contribute to the class discussion.

It’s why we write books – because we believe that people will want to read what we have written.

This is not a bad thing.  In fact, it’s a very good thing.

But I wonder if people think it is a bad thing and if they think that I’m engaging in self-aggrandizement and self- promotion…

Tara Mohr (in the above referenced book) says that self-promotion is tricky for women for many reasons, such as the social cost and unfavorable view of women who are perceived to “self-promote” and the fact that self-promotion seems masculine.  She says that thinking like a five-year old can help:

“Of course you aren’t going to share about your accomplishments in the same way as a five-year-old, but thinking about her helps us remember that wanting to share our creations, ideas and successes is not in the domain of the masculine – it’s the domain of the free.”

She recommends thinking of self-promotion as visibility instead, and to focus on service. “Your TEDx talk or op-ed article about your hard-earned lessons or ideas can help others.”  I mean, ultimately — that’s why I blog.

Who am I to write on this topic? I think to myself. Who does she think she is? I think other people are thinking…(and then I go back read all that I wrote under “What Will People Think?”).

It is easy for many bloggers to become “self-important.”

Even the Urban Dictionary implies it:

Blogger

“Term used to describe anyone with enough time or narcissism to document every tedious bit of minutia filling their uneventful lives. Possibly the most annoying thing about bloggers is the sense of self-importance they get after even the most modest of publicity. Sometimes it takes as little as a referral on a more popular blogger’s website to set the lesser blogger’s ego into orbit.

Then God forbid a blogger gets mentioned on CNN. If you thought it was impossible for a certain blogger to get more pious than he was, wait until you see the shit storm of self-righteous save-the-world bullshit after a network plug. Suddenly the boring, mild-mannered blogger you once knew will turn into Mother Theresa, and will single handedly take it upon himself to end world hunger with his stupid links to band websites and other smug blogger dipshits.” – Maddox

Yet, I found my answer in the words of a fellow blogger:

“So are bloggers all self important egotists?  I love writing and I blog about pretty peculiar things from around the world, things that interest me and things that make me laugh.  I would blog if no one was reading it but as it happens, people seem to like to read my mutterings, I have a decent amount of readers and I appreciate every one.  I suppose I do think I have something to say, something to share and maybe you could say you have to be a little egotistical to put yourself out there and think that others will find your blog interesting.

But you could say the same about every writer, author, journalist, mp, actor… Anyone in the public eye really.

I spoke to Violet Fenn from The Skull Illusion who said

“If you think blogs are tedious and egotistical, then you are probably reading the wrong blogs.”   

The internet is a big place, and there is room for everyone.  If you don’t like blogs, don’t read them.  Its really simple!

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People blog for all manner of reasons, some for fun, some to keep up with family and friends around the world, some for business and marketing, some use it as a form of therapy and some to share their interest.  The point is that each one is doing something, they are writing, creating and sharing.  They are making connections both locally and internationally.

All I can do is be authentic and speak my truth.  And hey – truth can rub people the wrong way no matter how careful I am to make it palatable or couch it in compassion.

All I can do is my best.  And that is enough.

“You have to follow your own voice. You have to be yourself when you write. In effect, you have to announce, ‘This is me, this is what I stand for, this is what you get when you read me. I’m doing the best I can—buy me or not—but this is who I am as a writer.’” – David Morrell

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As I mentioned before, I write this for those of you who, because of the aforementioned fears, have not yet started your blog or business or living to your fullest potential.  I hope that in writing this, you will have the courage and inspiration to just start and see what actually happens (as opposed to what you think will happen).

For many people (or for me at least), blogging is an act of bravery.  It’s an exercise in vulnerability with a potentially wide audience.  Let’s keep that in mind when we comment and criticize.  And let’s not let fear keep us from sharing deeply and living our lives fully.

“I was once afraid of people saying, “Who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand and say, “This is who I am.”

― Oprah Winfrey